I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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