i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
