He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
