I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
