i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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