grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I cannot find my penis.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
