I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
