but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize