Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just invented taco cereal.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
