Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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