We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
