Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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