My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
love makes seman taste better
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
