I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So many bounce houses so little time
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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