i need an iv and a liver transplant
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
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