You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
