My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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