By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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