As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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