Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
did i walk over a car last night?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
ttyl tear gas
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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