I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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