My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
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