For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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