can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
