I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
