so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
