i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
