I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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