i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
