After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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