I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
