But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
