My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
