I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
