a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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