the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
