Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
