we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
