Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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