Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
dude i'm inner monologue high
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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