Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
