It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
