You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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