Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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