Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
