I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
