My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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