Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Mom said you looked used
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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