My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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