I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
